Thursday, 18 November 2010

My Head Hurts My Body Hurts I Hurt

I'm going through a rough patch at the moment. My head's full of past hurts, vivid images all tumbling one after another, a quick progression, intermixing, going round and round. Tauntings and beatings and humiliations and being laughed at and pain and shame and degradation and being used.

My head hurts and my body hurts in turn and together, one then the other, feeling and re-feeling the stuff going through my head. Muscles twang with tension and then ache with release. I'm living in a warzone.


I can feel my trust going, feel my words going, feel my strength going. I feel incapable, defeated.

Everything's slipping away.

Everywhere I look, images of women as sex objects, voices justifying it, normalising it, singing praise of it.

Hurting me.

I've been here before, been through this before, I guess I'll get through it though the feelings tell me otherwise, the voices from the past tell me otherwise. They want me to give in. They nag at me, needle me, undermine me: what's the point? Did you think you'd ever make a difference you stupid fucking bitch? Stupid fucking bitch! Now shut the fuck up.

I will NOT be defeated. The truth simply can't be silenced. I just wish it wasn't so damn painful at times.